Cawfee Tawk with Kyla in the afternoon (one-sided)

Okay,

So here’s the deal.

I read in some blogging book, or website, or how-to article in some crappy magazine that when a person blogs they should aim for consistency, but make sure that they actually have something to say. Well, I can not think of a better way to shut me up than by making me consider whether the thing I have to say has any relevance. So screw it. And as Eminem says in the always enjoyable 8 Mile “F!*k y’ all if you doubt me” JUST KIDDING. I know you people don’t doubt me, although I am a piece of white trash, I’ll say it proudly. Sorry, I googled the lyrics from the movie and now I am an afternoon suburban mom gansgta. I WAS driving on the ‘freeway’ the other day in my silver mini-van (with all the other silver mini-van driving moms) listening to Eminem and I couldn’t help but wonder: Is this truly what he had in mind??

I would like to say that my children are both sleeping. W must be having a growth spurt as at 4 years old he has requested an afternoon nap these last two days. I WILL TAKE IT! And V, don’t even think about skipping your nap or tomorrow you will be getting some Gravol in the lunchtime soup to ensure this tiny little break.

I have passed the 5 week mark. I can’t zip my boots up anymore because my legs are getting chubby. 🙂 In the last 3 pregnancies my final month go-to line was, “I take on water like the Titanic”. Puffy puffy puffy.

I know many of you have come here today for another little nugget of wisdom, but frankly, like the old half a chicken nugget W saw in the parking lot the other day which elicited a squeal and a “Look! an animal cracker!”, I am dried out, soggy, and half eaten of wisdom. I would also like to say that it was fortunate W rather than V found the nugget otherwise it was sure to be eaten.

I wanted to write so much today. All morning I was thinking about sitting here and typing away. I would like to take this moment to thank those two little sleeping angels for tucking away and letting me sing.

In my list of random thoughts I would like to give a big huge shout out to Schmutzie (you may remember her and her muffin) for receiving some excellent news. Please look here. As I peer into this woman’s profile I have begun to see that not only does she write like a demon, she is actually a mega super star! . ( I also read that when setting up a link within your blog you should never do it like I just did because it is not as interesting, but I know that there are a lot of old aunties and moms out there that would have no idea they were supposed to click on something unless I said “look HERE”)

So, in terms of content, what can I tell you? The other night I went to a school sponsored event to teach me how to not yell, nag, or scream at my kids. While we introduced ourselves I wanted to say that I don’t do any of those things and I only came to find out who the bad parents are at the school, but I couldn’t do that because if I did I would have spent the next thirteen minutes sitting in my chair with this awkward smile on my face, flushed with small adrenaline vibrations wondering if everyone could see my nose sweat and nervously looking around for a friend. THAT BEING SAID, I did notice an absence of friends in that room who probably should have been there. You know who you are.

This is what I learned. At least these are the things I wrote down on the back of my handout:

Name and address the feeling: when your kid is stomping around the house try to avoid screaming “Stop Stomping!” and instead get down to their level and say, “you sure look frustrated, do you need something” I liked this idea, but would also like to add that just prior to crouching down to name and address the feeling, grab the nearest bottle of whatever and take a healthy swig.

Find out where their natural calming spots are: I discovered that W likes to sit in a booster seat donated to us by a friend, which has not been moved from the front entry way where it was deposited nearly three weeks ago. W and I discussed that when the rage overtakes him he should find that spot and remove himself from the situation. If V follows him she understands she will be sent to her room. Regarding finding the calming spot for V, I have been doing a great deal of online research into the Vulcan Death Grip.

Find out what teens like and do a lot of it: The speaker referenced the online game Minecraft which her teenage son is really into. She said while she had less than zero interest in it herself she often sits with him and asks him to show her what it’s about. I don’t have a teenager yet, but when I do, I sure hope what my teen likes to do is drugs, and a lot of it.

Do we want our kids to say no later in life?: Please see above.

Oh for god’s sakes. I am kidding people. This was the first thing she said that I chose to write down. It struck a chord. I have this 1950’s belief system that children should be immediately obedient and anything short of it is a punishable offence. The speaker said, ‘Saying no is a form of independence that we should want to encourage. Do you want your child to say no when they are older?” I still don’t know how to say no, or how to diplomatically enforce my own boundaries. This was a real thought provoker.

Time in not time out: I confess I haven’t dug deep into this yet and am going to put up the link for the article (old people: the “Look Here” is “the article”)

And this is what I will leave you on, as W in fact psyched me out and has been up for the last 10 minutes asking me to work on the chocolate puzzle with him. One parent asked if there were a way to stop the escalated sibling rivalry, that moment when someone’s hair is going to get pulled or someone is going to be assaulted with a Hot Wheels car. A dad in the audience said “The ‘S’ sound works well, it is on a higher frequency” at which point from across the room I burst out with: “Do you do that too?!” and then I made this awful hissing sound, at which point the dad said, well I just go “Ss” “Ss” “Ss”. I said, “Oh, your way is probably better”.

Then I sat there the next thirteen minutes with this awkward smile on my face, flushed with small adrenaline vibrations wondering if everyone could see my nose sweat.