Don’t hurt anyone.
This is what I think to myself as I sit to type today. The struggle I have found with the blogging is how to maintain boundaries for those around me while expressing my own thoughts and feelings. I recently read another blogger who wrote that when you start speaking honestly other people will stop speaking to you and people will think you want to kill yourself because every blog post looks like a suicide note. That one killed me. HAHA.
I have the personality type that likes to put everything on hold until a definitive moment in time says “Now you worry”. Until that point I successfully pack things into some emotional box that I store somewhere and it waits until I say “OK, let’s take a look”.
Well, this weekend my emotional box turned into soggy wet cardboard and the bottom fell out. My mother was taken into the hospital after having a stroke like episode during a massage and physiotherapy workshop. This happened the morning that Dr. J drove off for Edmonton for a week of conferences and meetings. Due to the great strengths of serendipity, I had a girlfriend driving in for a two-day visit. She arrived at my house to a “great to see you, but I have to go to the ER” So I left my friend (new 1st time mom) with her 6 mo old and my dynamic duo.
While at the hospital I witnessed two more of these stroke like events and processed things in emotional conflict; at once trying to be cool so as to not freak out my mom while also trying desperately to understand what was happening and to not be scared. The mantra: ‘there is no sense worrying until you know there is something to worry about’ on repeat. Well, tests were done, results were negative, mom was discharged and she was talking about going back to the conference the next day.
I returned home and tried to have a ‘normal’ visit with my girlfriend although what can one really expect? It wasn’t until she left the following day and E was at a play date with a friend and I was writing an email to Dr. J that the bottom fell out. I was totally amazed at how much had been shoved in there. And what surprised me was all the emotion I have packed in there regarding my dad and the fact that he has been in chemotherapy these last few months to rid himself of cancer. That requires an enormous box, because in this case I have to wait through 6 or 7 months of chemotherapy to find out when I need to worry. That is a long time to carry things around in a box.
I am totally amazed at how deep down this stuff can go. I have mined myself enough to smell a balrog but have never fought it. However, this time around I realized that I am going to have to fight it. There was no way to avoid it and I spent two good days walking around in a depressive and anxious state before declaring, “You shall not Pass!” It has been a difficult week, but the good news is that Kyla the Grey does not plan on perishing, but it will be many moons before we see Kyla the White. In a sense this broken box is liberating because it forces me to pick stuff up and sort it out, but the timing may have been better…
As far as the content of the box, I am not that honest. Well, I might be that honest, but it’s not just about me is it?