Don’t hurt anyone.
This is what I think to myself as I sit to type today. The struggle I have found with the blogging is how to maintain boundaries for those around me while expressing my own thoughts and feelings. I recently read another blogger who wrote that when you start speaking honestly other people will stop speaking to you and people will think you want to kill yourself because every blog post looks like a suicide note. That one killed me. HAHA.
I have the personality type that likes to put everything on hold until a definitive moment in time says “Now you worry”. Until that point I successfully pack things into some emotional box that I store somewhere and it waits until I say “OK, let’s take a look”.
Well, this weekend my emotional box turned into soggy wet cardboard and the bottom fell out. My mother was taken into the hospital after having a stroke like episode during a massage and physiotherapy workshop. This happened the morning that Dr. J drove off for Edmonton for a week of conferences and meetings. Due to the great strengths of serendipity, I had a girlfriend driving in for a two-day visit. She arrived at my house to a “great to see you, but I have to go to the ER” So I left my friend (new 1st time mom) with her 6 mo old and my dynamic duo.
While at the hospital I witnessed two more of these stroke like events and processed things in emotional conflict; at once trying to be cool so as to not freak out my mom while also trying desperately to understand what was happening and to not be scared. The mantra: ‘there is no sense worrying until you know there is something to worry about’ on repeat. Well, tests were done, results were negative, mom was discharged and she was talking about going back to the conference the next day.
I returned home and tried to have a ‘normal’ visit with my girlfriend although what can one really expect? It wasn’t until she left the following day and E was at a play date with a friend and I was writing an email to Dr. J that the bottom fell out. I was totally amazed at how much had been shoved in there. And what surprised me was all the emotion I have packed in there regarding my dad and the fact that he has been in chemotherapy these last few months to rid himself of cancer. That requires an enormous box, because in this case I have to wait through 6 or 7 months of chemotherapy to find out when I need to worry. That is a long time to carry things around in a box.
I am totally amazed at how deep down this stuff can go. I have mined myself enough to smell a balrog but have never fought it. However, this time around I realized that I am going to have to fight it. There was no way to avoid it and I spent two good days walking around in a depressive and anxious state before declaring, “You shall not Pass!” It has been a difficult week, but the good news is that Kyla the Grey does not plan on perishing, but it will be many moons before we see Kyla the White. In a sense this broken box is liberating because it forces me to pick stuff up and sort it out, but the timing may have been better…
As far as the content of the box, I am not that honest. Well, I might be that honest, but it’s not just about me is it?
180 Degrees in 365 Days 
I can relate to the deepness of those boxes – though instead of a box I refer to it as levels in my house. I know I have greatness in me. Unfortunately I’m not certain on how to let the greatness out… I think it has something to do with cleaning out my basement. When you empty your box and I clean my basement we can meet on the other side of amazing. Thanks for the post Kyla the Grey.
Wow. Thanks for the companionship! There is some real imagery there. I know you have greatness in you too; I see it all the time. Like that one time you were dancing at Billi’s wedding, or on May Long Weekend’s, or when you tell me you are standing behind me and I know I have a friend.
Thanks for that though what I was really hoping you would get out of my post is this. “Hey, I’m fucking Kyla – and I’m great and I am not able to be as truly awesome as I am meant to be if I don’t open these boxes and sort this shit out so I can finally put them down for good. “
Shit, that’s what I was trying to say to you! 🙂
Why do your blog posts always make me cry…….? Not always sad cry; usually funny or happy cries. Nonetheless, I usually have a tear or two welling up. Maybe Karina was right (in you guys’ speech @ my wedding). F*&%, I do cry at the drop of a hat!
F&%$.
That is all for today.
Well, thanks for being the person that propped me up when I needed it so badly. And if you want to see crying you should have been there after you left! Yes, I do love that sentence.
try and trust in the timing of things.. maybe its quite good that you do a little ‘spring cleaning’ before number 4 elbows his way into the world.
i hadn’t heard about your mom, and i was startled and immediately called my mother, but i’m assured everything is fine, and i’m guessing she had a lot of energy and mojo rearranging going on.. i still can’t imagine what it would be like to have to see that and how scary it must have been for you..
you might be trying to force yourself not to worry/fixate when you aren’t sure there is something to worry about.. but it sounds to me like all that is doing is denying the validity of your emotions.
i understand not wanting to obsess or fixate with your thoughts, but accepting and allowing what you are feeling is going to be healthier in the long run for all involved.
i’m glad your bottom fell out ❤
welcome to the grey!
Thank you for that Kira, it offers some soundness and simple stability. I am glad my bottom fell out too! It took me almost two days to be able to truly function, and I wish Jeff had been here so that someone could look after the kids, but we all managed to eat and sleep, so good enough. What a strange process though. So much fogginess and instability, but the other side of it, while recognizing the work to be done, is strangely freeing. I am glad my bottom fell out too. And thank you for the welcome into the grey! I love you.
courage traced on the page.
Do you see courage here? I see fragmentation. I thought the first comment on this page should have been from me and it should have said, ‘What the hell are you talking about?’ Balrogs? Really?