Fear

i must be very quiet.

i am pretty sure this baby is going to come soon.

i am scared.

I have never been scared before.

only ever excited and anticipatory

i think of women that have died in childbirth

i think of how much my family needs me

i can’t imagine

Last Night I tucked in my three-year old daughter who at my parting look said, “Why does your face look like that?” I told her that I was just looking at her and loving her.

Then I sat on the edge of my bathtub and wept until I began to cough. I kept saying, “I am connected to the wrong line, I am connected to the wrong line” Every preceding childbirth I have felt this incredibly empowering connection to a birthing line of women who have come before me. I have felt tapped into this incredibly spiritual vortex of the original girl power. With this pregnancy I have failed to make that connection. I am standing on the platform across the tracks and have tapped into this sorrowful energy of the women who didn’t make it. This awareness comes only in moments and is not consistent, but when it hits I am completely overwhelmed. The loss felt by both child and mother.

Those final moments when a mother would recognize that she would not be there for her children, that she would miss all their moments, and that she would never be able to impart, nourish, protect, and love them.The emptiness in a child’s life; the void that only a mothers arms could fill.

These are horrible empathetic feelings to have just prior to giving birth and I question them. First out of fear, then out of curiosity. Are we as women more open and susceptible to that cosmic energy when we are with child?

I am one day overdue and was able to type this without breaking into a sobbing mass, so I am not tapped in to the energy right now. I am anxious for my child to come so that I can let go of this anxiety, and that tiny voice that speaks in my ear warning me of the dangers can disappear.